Finger Rock, Arizona
I was one troubled teenager for a time. I’d go off to the mountains for some peace and solitude. I wasn’t all that concerned with my safety either, life didn’t seem to offer much advantage over death. For instance, one year I climbed Finger Rock (photo right) without ropes. Going up was easy; going down was terrifying. Yikes! Was this a latent suicidal death wish? I guess not, primarily because I am not all that emotional by nature. Although, neither am I drawn to rock climbing or thrill seeking in general, so who knows. As a kid I heard stories about a guy falling off Finger Rock and breaking so many bones that his body turned to the consistency of Jello. Recalling that probably got me to turn around before reaching the top (and so saved my life, no doubt).
Singing Wayfaring Stranger the other night reminded me of those difficult teenage years and of Finger Rock(1). As with many Christian Gospel songs, Wayfaring Stranger promises a Heavenly after life, e.g., “I’ll soon be free from every trial…” and “I’m going there to meet my mother, she said she’d meet me when I come…”. This promise of a Heavenly afterlife is one of the sharpest difference between Judeo-Christian-Islamic religions and Easter ones. Sure, the Easter ones promise something as well. However, with Karma you are merely promised an ‘upgrade’ (or downgrade), and while Nirvana sounds more Heavenly, the path to it can be a winding road of countless lifetimes.
The Eastern paradigm agrees more with the phenomenon of non-locality (a form of entanglement observed in quantum physics); although granted, you really need to read between the lines at times. The evidence of entanglement suggests that at the most subtle and fundamental level, everything (and nothing) are inextricably connected. Oneness is real despite what our biological senses tend to tell us. This suggest that the biologically induced sense of a separate self (ego in humans) underlies the illusion of life and death.
Considering all this, I can’t see how suicide or a promised Heavenly afterlife accomplishes its goal. There is no escape; destiny is eternity. Of course, you can’t tell emotion that. Those needs and fears drive us to do what we do regardless of non-local reality (i.e., emotions determines our ‘local’ reality).
I sometimes feel down and out to this day. Nothing specific, just a general weariness with life. I am now certain that ‘pure’ consciousness(2) is continuous, perhaps which accounts for some of my weary feelings (I sometimes feel like I have been / will be alive forever). Knowing that consciousness is eternal also makes any hope of ending that weariness through suicide futile. This also makes any hope of gaining or losing the advantage, what ever it might be, futile.
So, what to do, what to do? The idea to ‘be as careful at the end as at the beginning, and there will be no ruined enterprises‘ is pretty good place to begin dealing with the ‘enterprise’ of living. I’ve found the joy in living lies in giving my utmost care to the enterprise of living. Giving, however, is not as easy as it sounds(3). The survival instinct drives us to take as much as we can get (gain – win – succeed). We fear loss. Indeed, our fear of death is really about the fear of losing the pleasures to which we cling. We are locked in a life and death tug-of-war: our need to let go and give in order to enjoy life verses our fear of losing what we cherish, or not getting what we desire. No wonder the sage desires not to desire and does not value goods which are hard to come by…
(1) An old friend from my teenage years read this post and remembers more which I’ll now add below. I don’t think back on my past very often so I’ve forgotten much of it. (Although I don’t really know; I can’t recall how much I forgot.)
I just read some of your Tao blog, I was with you when you climbed finger rock, I waited at the bottom of the rock, you did not pressure me to follow, thanks for that. I did not see you as a troubled teen at all, you were very happy and excited about life and had many interests. You were a risk taker but were confident in your actions, like walking on your hands at the edge of a cliff in Sabino Canyon near the top of Thimble Rock.
I think you were so good at walking on your hands plus had no fear, (like a French tight rope walker) fear kills. Our many trips in caves I had no fear also because I couldn’t see how far I would fall, your lack of fear made me think everything we did was reasonably safe.
I know you were cautious when you needed to be, I remember many cases of testing before acting.
(2) ‘Pure’ consciousness is the foundation upon which living things ’see’ a personal identity and ego. The foundation continues; the illusions of personal identity and ego cease when biological function ceases.
(3) Giving is not as simple as it sounds either. For example, chapter 81 says, ‘The sage does not hoard. Having bestowed all he has on others, he has yet more; having given all he has to others, he is richer still.‘ It is important to note that the ‘bestowed all he has’ and ‘given all he has’ is not literally giving things to others. Such overt gross giving is out of sync with the natural balance of give and take, and thus unintended consequences inevitably follow. As they say, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”. The giving referred to here is a state of mind and emotion, an approach to living and not the handing out of $100 bills.
Background
Memories become dimmer as the years fly by. Many are even too misty to write down without filling in the voids with poetic license (fiction). Still, I’ve set out to fetch what memories remain before they fade any further. See: The Further One Goes for background on this ‘Times of Yore’ series.
