Undibs!

Back in the TOY (Times Of Yore), if two people wanted the same thing, whether it be a stone axe, dashing horse, or wench, they would both sit down at an easel (or rock wall, if they were wanting the stone axe) and each would list all the reasons why they deserved the object of their desire. If they couldn’t come to an agreement, then they’d bring in a wise man, usually in the daytime (because if they can’t ponder at the stars, what else are they gonna do?). Finally, if the wise man couldn’t answer the squabble, they’d just joust for it. Long story short, it was a whole production.

But now we move ahead hundreds/thousands of years later. Just like language and traditions, this method of devising Whom Is The Most Worthy got condensed into one qualifying requirement: speed. Whoever had the fastest tongue would be granted the owner of the treasure, whether food or friend (haven’t we all wanted to have sole proprietorship to our friends?). Let’s face it, if we didn’t verbally stake our possessions by screaming, “I call that last cupcake!!” or “Dibs on the free caaaar!!”, we’d just pee on everything. That’s what separates us from animals and drunks.

Whether you call it “dibs” or “hosies,” it’s just that magic word that gives to the almost-unspoken-yet-uttered right to bear only your paws on the item desired by two (or more)  parties. And just like “Manwich”, there are many different words referring to the same… emotional outburst. In our case—starting in the late ’90s—the word was “claimed.” If there was only one instrument or foodstuff that we both wanted, whoever called “Claimed!” first would be able to get the rights. After about 5 years, “claimed” evolved into the more common exclamation, “dibs”. Nothing new though.

However, come 2005, our run-o’-the-mill “dibs” evolved into something greater. On one particular day of the year, when the recycling bin had to be emptied, one of yelled out, “undibs!” Just like that. With no warning. Just like when Christopher Sell dropped a twinkie in a pot of boiling grease and called it, “Food!” both words stuck. (Though obviously, more stuck to the deep-fried twinkie.)

And man oh man, “undibs” is much more quick-draw than dibs, as there is more things to “undibs” at. You never know when the opportunity will arise. Generally, it’s when the doorbell rings, when a general household chore has to be done, or when somebody calls our phone and we know we should answer, but don’t want to. Very simple. And what’s more, if two people “undibs” at the same time, whoever calls “double-undibs” gets the favor. This is where high reflexes (of realizing that “undibs” was called in unison) comes in.  After at least a year of undibsing, it’s rare that we don’t both snap out a “double-undibs” at the same time, which means we “triple-undibs” is next. If it hasn’t been resolved by then, the final call, “Undibs Infinity,” “Googol Undibs” or “Unlimited Undibs” seals the deal. It’s never gotten to the point where we’ve both “tied” at that level. Having the choice of three responses slows the mind enough to offer a chance for just one of us to call it.

I never thought it’d happen, but the other day, as I was spreading a middle-aged caterpillar sized length of toothpaste on my toothbrush in the bathroom, the phone beeped. (Don’t worry, that’s happened before.) Almost immediately, thinking it was the front door, I exclaimed “Undibs.” Like a superhero using his power without realizing it, I thought to myself, “What just happened?” Just from hearing the beep, I executed the “keyword” like a reflex.
Could this be getting Pavlovian??