No doubt, there’s an appeal to Johnny Carson, and not just for the “Heeeere’s Johnny!” intro. His “Carnac the Magnificent” act never ceased to entertain, and not just because of that velvet sofa chair-like hat. It was the way he opened envelopes from the side. And even though Luke and I have never seen a full episode of the Johnny Carson Show, somehow we picked up that knack. However, it hasn’t boded well for us.
For instance, a few weeks ago, Luke tried it out with a mail order that arrived through our mailslot. Cool as the motion was, he unknowingly ripped the check in half. A little tape remedied that. Now just today, I suffered something slightly worse.
Last month, I applied for a passport to go to Antarctica to get some authentic, native ice for our snowcones. They kept my original birth certificate for . . . double checking. Anywho, today, I received a letter from the Department of State. Not knowing what it was, but assuming the worst in anycase, I picked it up. Audibly announcing “Heeeere’s Kyle!” to myself, with a flourish, I tore that yellow envelope from the side. Pulling out the contents, I realized that my birth certificate! “Crabcakes!” I vulgarly spewed, as I saw that the entire edge of the paper was unevenly torn.
I thought perhaps I could get a replacement, but unless I was gonna be able to squeeze myself back in the womb, that approach proved out of the question. So getting some trusty scotch tape and Elmer’s (which is how we repaired our back porch), I managed to fairly cleanly bring the two ends together.
 There were no witnesses, so I may be making that part up.