I loved to eat from an early age.
This blog is about weight. I have been slim, medium and fat in my life. Most of us have one addiction or another. Some of us are addicted to nicotine. I could have a cigarette and have no desire for another. I tried to smoke at a younger age but the desire just wasn’t there and I didn’t do it long enough for any real physical addiction. Some of us are addicted to alcohol. A glass of wine in the evening suits me fine and I stop right there. But food is a different story. You put anything rich in front of me like chips, French fries, pastry, lasagna and I can’t stop myself. It’s like the alcoholic who can’t stop at one glass. I want more and more.
Growing up, there was always plenty of food around. Veggies weren’t a big item on the menu. Breakfast was cornflakes or eggs, bacon and toast: dinner usually a pork chop or some other kind of meat, a salad and starch. No dessert. I used to be envious of my best friend because ice cream was waiting for her after dinner. I laugh now just to think about it because anytime I wanted I could have chips, salami, Oreos, or Sara Lee chocolate cake in the freezer that sliced off as easily as it went down. In my lunch bag my mom put a bologna sandwich (I’ll never forget that smell), a bag of potato chips and two packages of Hostess cupcakes (one for me and one for a friend). Bless her heart. I’m guessing my friend didn’t always get one. This wasn’t the best food to have around for someone like me. 
Nagging gets us nowhere but that often doesn’t stop me. Hope springs eternal. I have an older sister who has never been overweight. At a time in my life when my haunches were hefty, I can hear her say, “Stop eating so much!” It didn’t work. But I know where she was coming from. Our other sister is very heavy. I used to nag and plead with her to, “Stop eating so much!”. Of course it didn’t work either. It only made her feel worse. It’s easy to look outside and tell someone else what they need to do. I realize I barely take care of my own business. Carl used to smoke. I nagged and nagged him to stop but to no avail. He stopped when he was ready. He had to reach the end for himself.
And nagging myself doesn’t serve anything either. It only makes me feel worse and seems to perpetuate whatever I feel the problem is. I make whatever changes when I’m ready to. When we have 2 opposite desires working at the same time we have stress. For example, if I want that big piece of cake and chips and I don’t want to be overweight there is conflict. When I’m overweight it is that the desire to eat whatever outweighed (pun not intended but not bad) the desire to not gain weight. The stronger desire wins out. I’m not talking ideals or shoulds here; I’m talking deep desires that are beyond the intellect.
I eat more when there is something emotionally challenging going on. Or sometimes it’s just that I’m not using the energy doing something else. The mind is willing but the flesh is weak, as the saying goes. When an autoimmune disease (joint and muscle related) hit me 18 years ago I was very motivated to make a change. I started eating different foods. I eat mostly vegetables, fruits, grains, beans, nuts, very little cheese or high fat foods. It doesn’t mean that I can’t gain weight.
We are set up to want sugars and high fat foods because in the wild that would be what would keep us going. Most of us here have all the food we want and it’s easy to over do it. Thirty three percent of American adults are obese and there are 300, 000 obesity-related deaths a year. The incidents of diabetes and heart attacks are higher than ever.
P.B.S., I believe, aired a show a few years ago. It told the story of four people who are obese and not happy with their situation. Each person had a touching story. They had all tried to lose weight but couldn’t. The people were each asked to go out for dinner or prepare something at home for several days and to tell how many calories they were consuming. They were honest, not trying to fool anyone. It turned out that all thought they were eating a lot fewer calories than they actually were. Everyone in the group had a blind spot. They honestly didn’t know how many calories they were eating. One woman thought she had eaten 400 at a meal and it turned out to be well over a 1000. I thought about it and realized how true that can be for me too.
Over the Christmas holidays, my blind spot appeared as did 5 pounds. I need to stay present when I’m eating or I throw caution to the wind and eat too much. I didn’t stop at one cookie, t
hat’s for sure.
It is the calories. I decided to keep track of what I ate. I don’t want to “diet” as I’ve done that a lot and found the weight always came back. It’s more a matter of being conscious and eating well. Also if I’m upset I try and find other ways of dealing that don’t end up hurting me. There are many places on line to see how many calories you need to have to maintain or lose weight for your body. Here is one. http://www.ahealthyme.com/topic/calneed. Weight Watchers is great too as there is the support of the group too.
I hope no one feels that I am saying they should lose weight. That isn’t my business and whatever weight we are is where we need to be at this point in time. But if you are wanting to and you come to that place inside, you will lose it. Just keep your mind’s eyes wide open.
My experience with eating as a child was just the opposite. My Mom was totally into nutrition (albeit American style) and we only had junk food on Saturday night: black cherry soda and potato chips while watching Perry Mason. The rest of the week it was mashed potatoes, a green vegetable, a yellow vegetable and meat with a glass of milk. She would feed us great big bowls of oatmeal for breakfast into which she would spoon our cod liver oil. If we didn’t drink our OJ she would pour that in there too.
So, all my Mom’s children grew up hating to eat and underweight. Even the dog and the cat. I didn’t really appreciate food until I found marijuana! I let go of the weed many many years ago but the good appetite remains. I love to eat. Rick’s good cooking doesn’t help.
It’s a struggle. Like you said, conflicting desires and following the stronger desire. I think also that one follows the most immediate desire. The joy of chocolate cake is here and now; weight loss or gain is a nebulous future.
Like you, I experience that being present and aware helps…I call it returning. I see a blueberry scone in my face and consciously turn my attention inward to the peace there and the scone loses it’s pull….sometimes.
Every Tuesday morning at 8 am I go to a meeting at a tea house that has the best scones in the county. I can resist them because they are white flour; somehow, I find that unappealing, refined white flour, empty calories. So guess what? Last Tuesday she made whole wheat! I didn’t give in, but give me a break!
Wow, thanks for this insightful post. I read that food, when its an addiction, presents a very unique problem. Unlike other addictions, we can’t stop eating cold turkey
, because we need food to survive, so its a dilemma.
Me, I have a sweet tooth. Not for candy, but I love Cake, Cookies, Donuts, Pie etc.
Still I try to be balanced. I eat lots of raw vegetables, things that would make most people gag, they make me gag too, but I eat them anyway.
In fact I’m about to have a lunch of raw Broccoli, Celery, Red Boar Kale (which tastes like a house plant! Don’t ask how I know) and a variety of fruit.
The benefits of eating that stuff are worth the suffering.
Thanks Again,
Toni
Not to mention, cold turkey is delicious!
Even better! Cold turkey basted in doughnut dough and fried in pork fat, with a sprig of red boar kale for garnish. The (immediate) benefits of eating that stuff is worth the (future) suffering!
You guys are hilarious, LOL.
Thank you for writing! It was getting lonely in here. I was thinking perhaps I had written something I shouldn’t have. I liked what you wrote.
Dearest Leslie!
I love and admire your writing, your willingness to look around and go within. I appreciate the ripples of thoughts generated by your reflection and am wondering if that really is a picture of you as a toddler, and if you still have the remainder of that hoho hostess cupcake cupcake
Thank you Jasmin. You’re sweet. Yes that was yours truly. I was over 10 ounds at birth. No more ho hos here but I remember that they were 11 cents and shockingly rose to 13 cents.
Dieting never worked for me, either. I just acquired anorexic habits. I never count calories or weigh myself, because that might suck me back into that trap.
The desire for empty or extra carbs, for me, is a danger sign that I’m not getting enough protein. It’s like there’s a part of me that thinks if I munch enough chips and popcorn, I’ll get an energy boost. It does the opposite though, makes me tired. Or at best, wired and tired.
When I remember to eat an egg, a few bites of red meat, or a healthy helping of black beans, my belly feels truly full, I feel steady energy, and the carb cravings go away.
Thanks for starting this discussion. You’ve done a good job reminding me to eat consciously!