This past “Holiday Season” has been a hallmark in Abbott history. One look at that Christmas “Tree” and you know that Xmas is over for the Abbotts. Last year was the year we officially became Bahhumbuggers.
You see, we weren’t always like this. We used to do Xmas ‘n the whole shebang. Lights, tree, food, etc. Thankgiving all the way up to winter solstice (we made France’s 3 months vacation look like 2-hour outdoors time for inmates). Simply put, we were par-tay ani-mals.
The big shebang was Christmas. Not because it celebrates the birth of Santa, but we would haul up the bonsai pine tree that we used every year. We’d make ornaments out of clay. Plus, it was the 2nd-to-only time of year that we’d eat stuffing.
However, a few years ago, we noticed the novelty had started to drop out. I guess most people like the holidays ’cause that’s like one of the only times of the year to see family. Well, since we have a tight knit family and didn’t “observe” the religious aspects, the only thing that kept us “observing” Christmas was the food!
So, for the last four years, we stopped bringing up the tree and didn’t really miss it (though the pine smell was lovely). Instead we planted it out front where it sure is getting bigger than it was in the pot.
So it became that Christmas dinner was the last tradition we were still observing. That, and the presents that people gave us. (I mean, we couldn’t say no to that. Come on, how rude is would that be? “Thank you! I appreciate your effort. Unfortunately, I don’t accept gifts.” Aaawk-ward!)
Like every year, our Grandma would come over (from a few houses away) and we’d all eat ‘n all. However, two and a half years ago, Grandma had a brush with Death. In fact, she was at Death’s door. Fortunately, that time, she just rang the doorbell and ran away. So, while she was fine ‘n all (she’s dead now, but that’s beside the point), she couldn’t really climb that many stairs anymore so last year, she didn’t join us. Plus, Papa was on his diet thingy so he didn’t eat. It was just Luke, Mama and I. So basically, we were just having dinner, only 3000 more calories richer.
Mama’s usually the one keep the celebratory flame alight for things like holidays and birthdays, which we’d probably just as soon forget. But last December, Mama made a final attempt to keep the dying festive candle alight: Wrapping up gouda cheese, pickle relish and mayonnaise (traditional Abbott-to-Abbott gifts) and taping ornament-shaped pieces of paper to the little potted plant.
After that, we all agreed that the holidays for the Abbotts has passed.
On the plus side, we are now officially Scrooges…and proud of it! Now, it’s not that we are “against” holidays. It’s just that, unless there is spontaneity, motivation or an invitation to do something special, why do it?
So, the only holiday we celebrate is Black Friday. When else can you get a 32″ HDTV for $400?
(Oh, there is one piece of real Abbott Tradition that is still alive: Going Out To Critique Other People’s Christmas Lights!)
